I'm nervous aout even thinking this--for fear of jinx--but I think I'm doing better. Knock wood. In the past couple of weeks I've glimpsed what acceptance will be like. The pain and grief still overwhelms other feelings, but I can sense acceptance behind the grief and peeking around the edges. I can't say I've accepted it yet, but I believe I can accept it.

During his last months, Bob's spirits were low so much of the time, until the last couple of months, when he knew what he was facing. I think he was willing to put up with so much, but it just got to be too much. Still, he didn't want to leave us--not only did he love life, he wanted to spare us the pain of losing him. Finally, he accepted both his death and the pain that it would cause, and he was able to let go. I'm still working on that acceptance because, for me, it also means I have to make a life without him. Until I accept the finality of his death, a tiny bit of hope persists that he'll come back, and I dread the loss of that hope. But little by little, I'm getting there, and I know that is what he wants. I can see him holding his arms out to me the day before he died, when he couldn't really make speech anymore, but his eyes were so sad. He dreaded leaving me to go through this alone. He was sadder for us than for him. He just couldn't stay, just to take care of me. And I have to accept that. I just don't want to.  ¶ 11:17 AM 0 comments